tw{depression, violence, self-harm}
Last night, I had a symptom of my mental illness that I haven't had in a very long time. Nothing went right all day yesterday and I was tired and fed up. By the time I got home, I was furious. Enraged. Because the day sucked in a way that many people's days often suck. Minor irritations and aggravations. My mind turned to a very dark place.
One symptom of my depression has always been a boiling, rolling, impotent rage. And I almost always turn it on myself rather than lash out at others (although, a few folks can attest to being a recipient of that anger). I'm not proud of that. I looked back on the times in the past when the anger won and I hurt people I love and I'm ashamed. Last night, that anger came up like a geyser. I know you've all heard the expression, "My blood boiled" but I don't know if you've ever actually felt it boil. It's a horrible feeling.
Fortunately, the only thing I hurt was my hand and my pride when I punched my bathroom door. Immediately upon that act, I realized that I was de-evolving. I recognized every bit of that fury. My doctor recently increased the dosage of one of my meds because of my constant, paralyzing anxiety. It's a meditation I've taken before and didn't tolerate well...it made me mean. It's worked beautifully this time, though. Until we increased the dosage. Once I realized what was happening (and took a couple of things for anxiety), I was able to control the anger. I've never been able to do that before.
The adrenaline dump left me with a massive headache this morning and I spent literally the entire day on the sofa, curled up with my dogs, watching my beautiful Christmas tree lights twinkling.
I tell this story because depression and mental illness is so misunderstood. It doesn't always present in the ways in which you are familiar. Please, don't judge people. Please give people some space and compassion. Especially right now.
