Let me preface this by saying that I am NOT looking for an argument about religion or spirituality. You can't define what's in a person's heart. You can try to beat it out of them but I promise you are just making it stronger in the end. This is more or less freethink. Just trying to put some order to how I feel. I am also not expecting any great revelations. At the ripe old age of 45, if I haven't figured this out I doubt a ray of light is going to shine down on me and imbue me with some incredible knowledge not yet ever granted to any other person walking this earth today. Again--just thinking "aloud."
I have struggled MIGHTILY with my depression for the last couple of weeks (and the last 40+ years but I digress). I'm pretty good at pasting on that big, toothy grin and pretending that I'm okay--putting on my game face, I suppose. But there is a limit to that. A tipping point. I've reach that point.
While I am constantly questioning religion, I am pretty spiritual and pretty sure about God, Jesus, heaven, and hell. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and I believe that if I am saved and live "right" I will go to heaven. I'm not sure what "right" is but I tend to think of it in very general terms. Do unto others and all that jazz. The guide book that we use gives me heartburn but that is the subject for another blog post.
As I was pondering things today, trudging along, just trying to get through the day, I thought about the graphics and memes that you see on Facebook and the like. You know, the ones that say something to the effect of, "I know God says he'll never give me more than I can handle. God must think I'm a bada$$." I wonder.....how much IS too much? Is there ever a tipping point in that regard? Does God really give people more than they can handle? Can you fail that test? What happens when you know, deep in your soul, down below the deepest layers of coherent thought, down to the very core of your being....that you have quite literally taken all you can take? Does the pressure and pain and the worry and wonder suddenly stop? Is there then blessed assurance? Do you then get some relief?
According to conventional Christian wisdom, God is omnipotent--an all-knowing, all-seeing "being." He has all the knowledge of the ages before him. He knows every step you are going to make before you are conceived. According to that same wisdom, he loves his earthly children so much that he gave his son's life for their sins--so that they could come be with Him someday.
How can He love me so much and allow me to suffer at the same time? The free will covenant? I've prayed, begged, pleaded, bargained....and still it continues. An endless merry-go-round of worry, doubt, fear, pain, longing, need. God knows (pun intended) that I have it a thousand times better than some. No, a million. I've got food and clothes and a car and a job. I've got a family and friends. But it doesn't alleviate the suffering. The next natural thought is that I am being selfish and ridiculous--a spoiled rotten brat throwing a tantrum for not getting what I want. Then I feel guilty. I vow to STOP and be grateful. and I try. But eventually, we wind back around to the first paragraph, that tipping point. And the whole relentless cycle starts again.
I'm open to thoughts but not to debate. I'm just too weary to argue.
