Can You Choose The Story You Tell?

“What do we get to keep from something that already happened?”

Most of you have “heard” my stories about being bullied, being overweight, struggling with social anxiety and depression, etc.  As you can imagine, I spend a lot of time pondering just why I am still depressed…why I still let the past own my future. I tend to filter all things that happen to me through the eyes of that 8^th grade girl who had a tack put in her seat by a few classmates who thought it would be funny to see the fat girl jump and scream.  In other words, every bad (or even mediocre) thing that happens, I tend to think, “Well, that’s just my life.  It’s how things go for me.” 

Of late, however, I’ve been trying to “reframe” how I look at things.  I’m not that shy, fat, scared little girl any more.  These days, I’ve got all the things in the world going for me: I’m a 45 year old woman;  I have a great kid and I’m pretty proud of her;  I have a husband who loves me;  I’ve got a job that I love (most days);  and I’ve got the best set of friends anybody could possibly ask for.  So, why can’t I look at life TODAY with the eyes of that grown woman, instead of the sad eyes of that little girl?  

I’ll tell you why:  because we all filter our everyday occurrences through our past experiences.  It makes perfect sense—it’s classic behavior mod.  We learn positive behaviors from our past (either from positive reinforcement or punishment).  We train ourselves to behave certain ways based upon how others react to us and that’s mostly good, I think.  In some cases, however, past experiences become an albatross  around our necks and we end up reacting to current life events in negative ways, not because they are horrible events but because of how our PAST has shaped us.  I “learned” early on that as a fat, poor, shy kid that I was not as “good” as the other kids.  These days, I still find myself feeling that way in many situations.  It’s an old script and I’ve kept it way too long. 

A good friend sent this video to me several days ago and I’ve been thinking a lot about it.  Of course, my knee-jerk reaction to it is to roll my eyes.  I can rewrite the past by reframing it?  Seriously?  <massive eye roll>  But I listened closely, not with my rational ears, but with my spiritual ears.   Can we change our past experiences simply by CHOOSING the story we tell?  Can reframing or recontextualizing the thoughts and events of the past actually change the physiological reactions we have?  It makes sense, in a hippy dippy, drug-trippy sort of way.  I know that if I think back to particularly embarrassing experiences from my past that I can, quite literally, feel that blushy feeling, that drop of the stomach.   It is a real, physiological reaction.  Those things are in the past—there is no current stimulus for a blush and a sick feeling in the stomach, for current embarrassment in response to an old event.  But I can still call up that response.  I kept those memories and they shaped me and became real and they remain real today, years later.  What if we could learn to reshape those memories and shift them and view them in a more positive light?  

It’s a pretty fantastical idea.  I’m not sure that I buy into it.  I do think that we can definitely reframe the way we perceive current events by looking at them through positive eyes rather than negative.  Saturday night was a very stressful night for me.  I felt, for the first time in many years, like that awkward, shy, unpopular girl who sat alone at lunch and at recess so many times.  I wasn’t physically alone.  I had a couple of really good friends on either side of me, keeping me grounded.  But in my mind, I was alone and afraid.  I clearly felt the feelings that I felt so long ago.  Every time I would slip into that “old script” I would redirect my thoughts—I’m not that girl.  I’m a grown woman with so many positives and I don’t need to live my life through that old, cloudy lens.   I’m happy to say that I made it through the night and feel much stronger and more empowered not in spite of those challenges but BECAUSE of them.  

It’s food for thought.  Watch the video with an open mind.  See what you think.   Jason Silva says, "You can choose the story you tell, my friends.  You can choose the story you tell."  I think maybe he's on to something.

Stronger Together

I started writing this afternoon—a page-long diatribe against Donald Trump.  I, like so many of my liberal brethren, am so sick and tired of the hate and vitriol, the noisome rhetoric.  But then, it occurred to me that I have been infected by his hatred.  That is not who I am, not as a person and not as a liberal. It was time to channel that hatred into something positive.

I took some time.  I watched Khizr Khan’s speech and Reverend William Barber’s speech. I watched Michelle Obama. Finally, I watched Vice President Joe Biden’s and President Barack Obama’s speech.  Suddenly, I had a tiny epiphany.  I remembered what it means to be a liberal. To put a spin on the great catchphrase, “It’s the issues, silly!!”  Healthcare, education, climate change, pay equality, civil rights….those are the issues!!   AND, it’s our spirit—our undying and loving spirit and the audacity of hope. 

It was with hope that I listened to these great speakers.  They spoke of coming together, not dividing our country.  They spoke of compromise and common ground. They spoke of making the world better for our children and of revival and the American Dream.  They spoke of true democracy.   They spoke of trying and failing, not of sitting on the sidelines. 

President Obama said something in his speech that I have said often of late—how important it is that we get out and vote the ENTIRE ticket. Vote for Mayors, Senators, and Representatives who share our views and our platforms. We need to support those who will get in there and get the work done that NEEDS to be done to move forward on the issues that drive us as a party.  But there is something else.  We need to harness the excitement and fire of the presidential election year and remember it in two years when the mid-term elections come around.  Liberals are particularly wont to “sit back on our laurels” after we’ve won.  That hasn’t worked for us in the last two mid-term elections and it won’t work going forward. We can do everything we can to get Hillary Clinton elected….but a President can’t do it alone.  A Vice President or Senator or Representative can’t do it alone.  We need to support ALL of our elected officials because, as they say—we’re stronger together. 

How much is too much?

Let me preface this by saying that I am NOT looking for an argument about religion or spirituality.  You can't define what's in a person's heart.  You can try to beat it out of them but I promise you are just making it stronger in the end.  This is more or less freethink.  Just trying to put some order to how I feel. I am also not expecting any great revelations.  At the ripe old age of 45, if I haven't figured this out I doubt a ray of light is going to shine down on me and imbue me with some incredible knowledge not yet ever granted to any other person walking this earth today.  Again--just thinking "aloud."

I have struggled MIGHTILY with my depression for the last couple of weeks (and the last 40+ years but I digress).  I'm pretty good at pasting on that big, toothy grin and pretending that I'm okay--putting on my game face, I suppose.  But there is a limit to that.  A tipping point.  I've reach that point.

While I am constantly questioning religion, I am pretty spiritual and pretty sure about God, Jesus, heaven, and hell.  I believe that Jesus is the son of God and I believe that if I am saved and live "right" I will go to heaven.  I'm not sure what "right" is but I tend to think of it in very general terms.  Do unto others and all that jazz.  The guide book that we use gives me heartburn but that is the subject for another blog post.

As I was pondering things today, trudging along, just trying to get through the day, I thought about the graphics and memes that you see on Facebook and the like.  You know, the ones that say something to the effect of, "I know God says he'll never give me more than I can handle.  God must think I'm a bada$$."  I wonder.....how much IS too much?  Is there ever a tipping point in that regard?  Does God really give people more than they can handle?  Can you fail that test?  What happens when you know, deep in your soul, down below the deepest layers of coherent thought, down to the very core of your being....that you have quite literally taken all you can take?  Does the pressure and pain and the worry and wonder suddenly stop?  Is there then blessed assurance?  Do you then get some relief?

According to conventional Christian wisdom, God is omnipotent--an all-knowing, all-seeing "being."  He has all the knowledge of the ages before him.  He knows every step you are going to make before you are conceived.  According to that same wisdom, he loves his earthly children so much that he gave his son's life for their sins--so that they could come be with Him someday. 

How can He love me so much and allow me to suffer at the same time?  The free will covenant?  I've prayed, begged, pleaded, bargained....and still it continues.  An endless merry-go-round of worry, doubt, fear, pain, longing, need.  God knows (pun intended) that I have it a thousand times better than some.  No, a million.  I've got food and clothes and a car and a job.  I've got a family and friends.  But it doesn't alleviate the suffering.  The next natural thought is that I am being selfish and ridiculous--a spoiled rotten brat throwing a tantrum for not getting what I want.  Then I feel guilty.  I vow to STOP and be grateful.  and I try.  But eventually, we wind back around to the first paragraph, that tipping point.  And the whole relentless cycle starts again.

I'm open to thoughts but not to debate.  I'm just too weary to argue. 

Practice Positivity

For 2016, I want to practice being positive.  It’s as foreign to me as speaking Swahili.  I’m a negative person by nature.  As a matter of fact, my lifelong mantra has been as follows, “If you never expect good things, you never get disappointed.  If you expect the worst, sometimes you are pleasantly surprised.” My therapist points out that this is faulty thinking.  It presumes that there are only two extremes and no in-betweens.  Life is a full spectrum—from wonderful to tragic;exhilarating to boring;  fantastic to unremarkable.  To fully appreciate the joy, I  suppose you must also experience the sorrow.  

Over the last several weeks, I have made an attempt to be more positive and upbeat (on Facebook, at least).  I have found that posting passive-aggressive or angry statuses, graphics, etc. breeds more discontent.  In other words, it doesn’t help me “get it out of my system” to post those types of things.  It feeds the beast and makes it worse.  So, I’ve been concentrating on uplifting quotes and the like.  The funny thing (ironic, not ha-ha) is that the mad, sad, angry posts get MANY more likes and comments than do the happy, upbeat, hopeful ones.  I’m sure that a large part of that is the nature of Facebook—people like drama.  I, myself, like a bit of it as well.  :)

So, what do I (or a very general “we,” if you like) need to become or remain positive in a world where there is constant upheaval, hatefulness, and dissatisfaction?  I present to you my thoughts on the broad answers to that question (in no particular order):

SPIRITUAL CONNECTION 

I’m not a very religious person but I am very spiritual.  I abhor most structured religion for the hypocrisy that runs rampant within its confines.  I tend to look at spirituality allegorically.  For me, it’s not about hard and fast rules so much as it is about that still small voice that I hear in my heart and mind that guides me towards right and wrong.  There is great good and great evil in this world, no doubt, but most of us never reach the outer limits of either (although I could point you in the direction of some folks I think are getting close to the latter).  In my opinion, you need some type of spiritual connection in life, whether it be a higher power, Mother Earth, etc.

GRATITUDE

Despite the pity parties I throw for myself, I know I am blessed.  I have a warm place to sleep, food to eat, interwebs, a pretty good mind, and good health.   I’ve got it pretty good, and certainly much better than I have had in the past.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS 

For when you’re down and need a boost (or a shoulder to cry on) or when you want to share a laugh or triumph.  I think I hit the lottery with mine but I could be biased.

GOALS 

I don’t do well with goals. If I set them and don’t reach them I feel like a complete failure and it usually spirals down from there. But if you don’t have a goal then you don’t have a marker by which to judge progress.

 
FORGIVENESS 
Here is my BIG PROBLEM.  While I do try to forgive, it’s never a relief of that burden (for that’s exactly what it is if you CAN’T let it go) because I can’t FORGET.  I jokingly say that I still remember things that happened in first grade.  It’s not a very funny joke, however, because few of the things I remember are good. To not forgive is to allow a person or incident to live “rent free” in your head.  To hold a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.  Remember the lesson but forgive the transgression. I suspect we ALL need some work on this one.  It will be my biggest challenge to becoming a more positive and content person.

Thoughts?  Additions?  Deletions? 

#faf