Let me preface this by saying that I am NOT looking for an argument about religion or spirituality. You can't define what's in a person's heart. You can try to beat it out of them but I promise you are just making it stronger in the end. This is more or less freethink. Just trying to put some order to how I feel. I am also not expecting any great revelations. At the ripe old age of 45, if I haven't figured this out I doubt a ray of light is going to shine down on me and imbue me with some incredible knowledge not yet ever granted to any other person walking this earth today. Again--just thinking "aloud."
I have struggled MIGHTILY with my depression for the last couple of weeks (and the last 40+ years but I digress). I'm pretty good at pasting on that big, toothy grin and pretending that I'm okay--putting on my game face, I suppose. But there is a limit to that. A tipping point. I've reach that point.
While I am constantly questioning religion, I am pretty spiritual and pretty sure about God, Jesus, heaven, and hell. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and I believe that if I am saved and live "right" I will go to heaven. I'm not sure what "right" is but I tend to think of it in very general terms. Do unto others and all that jazz. The guide book that we use gives me heartburn but that is the subject for another blog post.
As I was pondering things today, trudging along, just trying to get through the day, I thought about the graphics and memes that you see on Facebook and the like. You know, the ones that say something to the effect of, "I know God says he'll never give me more than I can handle. God must think I'm a bada$$." I wonder.....how much IS too much? Is there ever a tipping point in that regard? Does God really give people more than they can handle? Can you fail that test? What happens when you know, deep in your soul, down below the deepest layers of coherent thought, down to the very core of your being....that you have quite literally taken all you can take? Does the pressure and pain and the worry and wonder suddenly stop? Is there then blessed assurance? Do you then get some relief?
According to conventional Christian wisdom, God is omnipotent--an all-knowing, all-seeing "being." He has all the knowledge of the ages before him. He knows every step you are going to make before you are conceived. According to that same wisdom, he loves his earthly children so much that he gave his son's life for their sins--so that they could come be with Him someday.
How can He love me so much and allow me to suffer at the same time? The free will covenant? I've prayed, begged, pleaded, bargained....and still it continues. An endless merry-go-round of worry, doubt, fear, pain, longing, need. God knows (pun intended) that I have it a thousand times better than some. No, a million. I've got food and clothes and a car and a job. I've got a family and friends. But it doesn't alleviate the suffering. The next natural thought is that I am being selfish and ridiculous--a spoiled rotten brat throwing a tantrum for not getting what I want. Then I feel guilty. I vow to STOP and be grateful. and I try. But eventually, we wind back around to the first paragraph, that tipping point. And the whole relentless cycle starts again.
I'm open to thoughts but not to debate. I'm just too weary to argue.
As you know, I have been right where you are before. As you know, I largely worked my way out of it with two things: your support and a little trip to a special place outside Atlanta where I got my head mostly right with the Big Guy. As you know, I recently got the doodoo slammed out of me again with my daughters illness, but I did not fall into the recesses of dark that I have in the past. I can only say I was able to do that because I turned it over in whatever way I could to the Big Guy. I often question his existence but like you have concluded that he's there more likely than not. I know your religion is very limited in some respects. Organized religion has screwed you over. But there has got to be a place, a group or somewhere privately within yourself where you too can turn it over. It's a form of LIVING suicide. Where you give it all up and just say screw it, I'm gonna let him worry about it. That means that you've got to be willing to accept that he might not take care of things the way you want. You may lose your job, your house, your child and everything but your best friend. I don't know how easily I could accept those things happening to me but I have done my human best to just turn it over and let him worry about it. And that is the difference in terms of the peace you see within me now that wasn't there before. I'm always here to help you get there. I know it requires you to accept a little bit more religion than perhaps you want, but I fought it too for years til I finally gave in.
ReplyDeleteI know this isn't something that maybe clicks with you, but it is the best I have to offer because it worked largely for me, and I suspect it has with others. FWIW. You know I love you.
I think this is absolutely awesome. I would say I agree 90% with you, but I don't discuss or try to not discuss where I disagree because I want to respect others which I think is what you do as well. Without going into depths, I was raised Bible thumping Baptist. Some of y'all will understand what exactly that means. I've struggled most of my adult life with "organized religion" for my own issues. A little over 3 years ago after some major things happening (grandparents that were like my parents passing within months of one another) I especially felt less inclined to pray and talk to God. My hubby (we were only dating then) had a more harsh outlook and was verbal. Again, no details but God got our attention. I think Robbie would be dead had things not happened that at the time I thought was awful, I now see as a blessing. The last 3 years have been hard, I won't even sugar coat it. But we both, on our own, did what we could to go back to our relationships with God. Again separate from each other, we just both came to the same conclusion. Since then, I won't say I never get discouraged because I am human. I don't follow the baptist doctrine, I am a Presbyterian now. I don't feel like I have all the answers and I don't feel like I ever will but most days, I have peace. I truly feel that God gives me that peace. If I just concentrate on God and not what some man tells me to think or feel, that works better for me. Again, I grew up where the pastor's personal opinion was preached more than Bible but that's the old for me. Hugs and prayers your way, it's a real struggle I know and just my two cents is God wants us to think, to question, to engage because that's where the best learning occurs. Again just my two cents. Thank you for posting this because I think it can only bring positive things.
ReplyDeleteI too deal with depression. I didn't realize the severity of it until after I had my little one. What I thought would be a wonderful experience ended up a personal crisis. I hid behind my good southern smile too. I finally reached out and got help a year and a half later. During the first year I questioned a lot about myself, beliefs etc. I choose to cling to my beliefs ...despite some hurt and disappointment I felt from people I thought should have helped me. I realize now I should never have looked to them for help as I should have God. He did deliver help to me in His timing. I used to agree with the phrase that God doesn't give y more than you can handle. But, it isn't true. It isn't even biblical. God will not tempt you more than you can bear, but He will give us more than we can handle, because he wants us to trust Him for deliverance and not ourselves. Remember when the Egyptians were pursuing the Israelites after they had just released them from slavery? The Israelites found themselves trapped between the big Red Sea and a mighty army coming to get them. I think this situation was a little more than they could handle. So, God told Moses to raise his staff and the sea parted...the Israelites crossed on dry land and once safe the sea swallowed the Egyptian army.
ReplyDeleteI also have to remember that I am broken. I have been since conception. Just as I inherited my dads manly hands, I inherited the sin that separates me from the holiness of God. Yet, just as you said, God doesn't leave it up to us to fix our brokenness and heal us for our sins...He redeems us through his son, Jesus. When Jesus began his ministry, he said, repent and believe. (Mark 1). That is all. What grace! i don't have to do anything. I know I cannot handle my brokenness. I know I cannot do enough to fix my pain and sufferings. Jesus said we would suffer ...like he too suffered. But, the good news is, He is there. We often don't see Him when we are looking at the mire around us. I just ask Him to turn my face to the light. It's not a fix and I'm done..this world is broken...we live in it, but man...what hope Jesus brings in the promise of eternal life after this one ends.
My struggle with depression is not as severe as it was before. It creeps back in from time to time...and when it does, I remember, God is handling it, so I don't have too. He has provided me with what I need...those are friends, behavioral modifications and yea, meds too. But, mainly it's been Him showing me how He is a God of Love and He is Holy.
I don't know why it says dazzle. Ha! This is Jeanette...silly me inventing names for myself.
DeleteHi, Terri. I'm so sorry you're going through such suffering. In my opinion, it's a mistake to look for meaning in the circumstances of life. I don't think that a suffering person is being punished, and I don't think that they are being tested, either. It seems pretty random--bad things happen to good people and bad people and people in the middle.
ReplyDeleteThe meaning doesn't come from the situation, but how we handle the situation that we find ourselves in. I have to believe that there are opportunities to show courage, compassion and faith in whatever situation we are in. Life is a kind of art--the challenge is to take the materials you're given, and see what beautiful masterpiece you can make out of it. I think you have made something beautiful out of your life--you've given joy and love to the people around you.