What Do You Do When Your Brain Turns Against You?

TRIGGER WARNING

For whatever reason, today has been a rough day for me.  Rougher than usual.  Today, in quiet moments, my mind kept whispering the same thing over and over.  "I wish I were dead." 

I've been depressed, quite literally, as long as I can remember. My mother always told me that I was "the most miserable child she ever saw."  She told me that I was meant to be sad.  I don't blame her for saying it, at least not now, because I know now that she was also severely, clinically depressed and was never treated.  All she could see in her only child was the lifetime of poverty, misery, and woe that she had endured.  And so the prophecy was foretold.

My doctor realized that I was depressed when I was about 25.  I'd been treated, grudgingly and lackadaisically by a couple of doctors since I had reached adulthood. I never had a doctor take me seriously and actually try to treat me until I went to Dr. Childs.  He recognized it for what it was....not a sad, poor, socially awkward fat girl (although I was all those things) but rather a severely depressed, non-functioning adult with a small person, husband, and mother who depended upon her.  We tried medicine after medicine.  Time after time.  Trip after trip.  I had almost full bottles of seemingly nearly every type of SSRI there was on the market back in the early-to-mid 90's. Prozac was ineffective.  Zoloft gave me the tremors.  Effexor was useless. Paxil helped for a while and leveled off.  Wellbutrin made me want to kill every breathing creature.  Slowly.

I'd get frustrated and just stop taking them.  Cold turkey.  Then I'd get severely depressed and start taking them again. We kept trying different dosages of different things and ended up with the most successful for most of the years--Paxil at 40 mg.  I still only took it sporadically.  Dr. Childs kept encouraging me to seek counseling but I couldn't see what good it would do.  I decided I could deal with this on my own. 

In case you don't know, SSRIs can markedly change a person.  The Paxil stopped my mind from running like a rat on a wheel but it made me a faded-out version of myself.  Terri Lynn cusses, pitches fits, throws things, sings out loud, laughs too loudly at things that are very inappropriate, and burps way too loudly.  On Paxil, I just stopped.  Tim said it was like looking a blank wall.  He didn't understand what I was dealing with but he knew that he wasn't familar with the new version of me and he didn't like it. Because of his constant opposition, and because of my broken brain, I stopped taking the meds for years.  I stopped living.  I existed and not very well, at that. I had massive panic attacks.  I couldn't walk in a restaurant alone.  I could not drive on Broad Street (as random as it was, it was a thing).  I stayed home more and more. I retreated more and more.

In 2011, I began to notice a difference in myself.  I couldn't then, and I still can't today, pinpoint what happened or exactly when.  But my brain began to change. I still don't know what happened.  But I started sticking my toes in the ocean of life.  I began to laugh more.  I was becoming more interested in politics and found like minds on Facebook. I reveled in a good political argument n(perhaps a bit too much at times).  I started going out more.  I started making friends.  I discovered that Rome is a pretty cool town with some really amazing people.  But, through all that, I was not medicated and sliding deeper into depression.  I guess, in hindsight, it could and should technically be called bi-polar behavior but without the very manic highs.

I started to self-injure.  I started to seriously have suicidal thoughts regularly.  Realizing that I had a real problem, I went back to Dr. C. and we tried Lexapro.  I believe that he'd given up on me ever finding a medicine that would help.  But Lexapro has been a lifesaver, quite literally.  It doesn't magically "fix" me.  I still feel suicidal.  I get depressed so deeply at times that I can't function. My heart literally hurts from a pain that isn't physical and that no doctor can treat.  My throat even aches with that same pain.  My stomach, too.  As Dr. C. often says, "It's the physical expression of your depression."  That doesn't mean the pain isn't real.  It just means that there is no bone, joint, or ligament that can be fixed or treated.  The broken part of me is in my brain (and possibly in my soul but that's another discussion). 

In the last couple of years, I've finally found a good therapist, I've taken my medicine a bit more appropriately although depression brain causes me to often forget or, worse, refuse to take it (It's not gonna help anyway.  Why bother?). More than those things, however, I've found meditation.  I've worked on my energy and my heart and my soul.  I've opened my mind to another realm of healing and it has been nothing short of amazing.  I'm a different person than I was even a year ago. I'm out and about and working in the community and sticking my nose in business that many would proclaim to be not my own.  I'm an advocate and a helper.

But....in the quiet moments, when I'm alone, my broken brain begins to whisper....

What do you do when your brain is out to get you?  What do you say when, sitting alone in your office, you notice that little thought, just under the surface.  Like a whisper of wind, "I wish I were dead."  Most of the time I just notice that little voice without giving it any attention.  But today, I really put some thought into it.  Why does your brain turn against you?  And what the hell are you supposed to do when your BRAIN turns against you?!  How can you possibly win that battle?

The answer is short and sweet.  "I dunno."  I also don't know why it's become important for me to "talk" about it.  Perhaps the Universe knows there is someone out there who needs to see and hear this--to know that they aren't alone.  Perhaps just by realizing that my thinking has gone beyond it's normal faulty thinking, I've made progress.  For whatever it's worth, I keep pushing back against that voice. I meditate.  I clear my energy.  I still argue about politics (and most anything, depending upon who you ask).  I still sing out loud and badly.  I still laugh at inappropriate things. To borrow a phrase, I'm not going gently into that good night.  I'm raging against the dying light.

But....still, in the quiet moments, the only voice I hear begs me to stop raging. 

The Time to Speak is NOW

Make no mistake, friends.  On Saturday, August 12th, this country experienced a terrorist attack in Charlottesville, Virginia.  I don’t know that because the President of the United States of America said it. Indeed, no, he hasn’t said it AT ALL.  He did not come out immediately in condemnation of the attack but rather spread the blame.  He did make a statement condemning the white supremacists later but then rolled it back AFTER David Duke, the grand poo-bah of the white sheets, got his white sheet in a knot and called him out on pandering to the left.  When questioned about his equivocations, he began to dither on about how many jobs he has created (BS) and how much better the stock market is now than ever before (more BS).  

A white supremacist DROVE HIS CAR into (here I’ll quote Indivisible directly because it can’t be said much better) “counter-protesters who had gathered in response to a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia. It was an act of domestic terror, perpetrated by a white supremacist. One person is dead as a result of the attack.”

That attack was criticized across the board.  His own VP, daughter, and wife spoke out on the horror that took place in Charlottesville before the President of the greatest country in the free world did. When the one black member of his cabinet resigned, he went on a Twitter tirade slamming the man. He showed his true colors when this weekend, just in case there are a few of you who were still on the fence, wondering about his allegiances and alliances. Let me, again, quote from Indivisible for a moment.

“Donald Trump has encouraged violence, racism, and xenophobia from day one. It’s not surprising that Donald Trump refused to condemn the attack as an act of domestic terrorism. Throughout his candidacy, and through his actions as president, Trump has actively used fear to divide communities, encouraged violence against those who would disagree with him, and has advanced racist and xenophobic policies. Here are just a few examples:

*Picked Jeff Sessions to lead the Department of Justice, a man with a decades-long track record of advancing racist, anti-immigrant, and discriminatory policies (edited to add, now he says “we’ll see” about Bannon);

*Hired racists and nativists like Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon to advise him on policy matters;

*Issued a Muslim and refugee ban as one of his first actions as president;

*Unleashed ICE officers across the country who continue to terrorize immigrant communities with near impunity;

*Insists on the construction of a useless and costly border wall and ramping up his mass deportation machine;

*Exploited the tragic death of Kate Steinle in order to go after sanctuary cities;

*Proposed focusing the Department of Homeland Security’s Countering Violent Extremism program exclusively on Islamic sources—ignoring the dangerous threat posed by white nationalist organizations;

*Actively weakened and undermined Civil Rights offices within the federal government, which are charged with enforcing civil rights protections for Americans; and

*Has publicly encouraged police brutality and the use of more aggressive methods by law enforcement officers.”

Sadly, this list is not all inclusive.  As a matter of fact, if you still have any questions, I’d suggest you give a listen to Seth Myers' thoughts on whether the President is racist.  Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

I am very disappointed in my friends and family who still support this man and hold him up as a good and honorable person, an example of American exceptionalism.  He has shown, time after time, his real nature but the apologists and sycophants have made excuse after excuse for him.  It’s OK for you guys to admit that you were wrong.  Because you were.  It’s OK for you to say, “Hey, Terri.  I’m a fiscal conservative.  I don’t support same-sex marriage or abortion rights.  I believe in states’ rights. That’s why I’m a Republican.”  Those are real issues and I can respect political differences.  We may not agree but I can respect that.  What I can no longer respect is your continued support of a man who has insulted women (bragged about grabbing them by the privates, calling them ugly, fat, bleeding from their eyes, etc.); Hispanics (they’re all rapists and thugs); Muslims (all terrorists, of course), and, in fact, almost every group of people you can think of.  His response this weekend should not have been a surprise to anyone who has been paying any attention at all.

Silence is no longer an option for truly good, honorable people.  Call this man out for what he is:  a menace. Stick to your conservative values but STOP defending the indefensible.  

The time to speak is NOW. Will Republicans continue to hitch their wagons to this falling, corrupt, and irrevocably broken star?  Will Republicans have the mettle to call this man out for his behavior.  America, and the world, is watching you. 

The Zen in Letting Go

When I had my cards read earlier this week, one of the things I got from it was to let go of all the things that I'm holding onto. All the old stories, old scripts, old hurts. That sounds like an easy thing but it's really a process. I'm working on making peace with the past. 

I love this story from Psychology Today. Why are we still carrying that weight from the past? 

"There is a classic Zen story of letting go that is told in many different versions. One of my favorites appears in a book for young readers by Jon J. Muth called Zen Shorts.

Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn’t help her across the puddle.

The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.

As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”"

An Unforgettable Zen Story About Letting Go

Georgia's kids deserve REAL OPPORTUNITY!

Have you really looked at the so-called "Opportunity School District" (OSD) amendment that will be on the ballot in November? If not, please take some time to research the implications.

 

Fact:   OSD contains an option to withhold three percent of the school's administrative funds,       resulting in fewer funds for instruction costs.  

Facts:  The OSD: 

• supercedes all contracts with schools.
• the OSD superintendent (chosen by the Governor) will have the authority to waive the policies of the Department of Education.
• will  determine the achievement and growth of the state's schools AND
  subjectively rate public schools (A, B, C, D, F).
• can purchase services from anyone.
• will keep the schools for a minimum of five years but can keep them for ten years.
• will be the sole judge and jury  per the OSD schools' performance and data.
• may add 20 additional schools a year.
• will control all the schools' facilities.
• repeals all laws in conflict with this amendment.
• DOES NOT guarantee the return of the schools to the public district.

Our communities elect the Boards of Education.  These are individuals we see regularly in our daily lives:  we see them at the grocery store, out to eat, at church, etc.  The OSD Superintendent chosen by the Governor may have nothing to do with the State Department of Education or the ELECTED Superintendent of Georgia.  This is a gross intrusion on the local control of our school systems!

Facts:  The OSD may:

• close the school and create another unknown market for any type of school;
• fire every employee in an OSD school without recourse;
• take over the school as a state charter school with a dual governance system; and/or
• take over the school as a state charter school and hire a for-profit management company to run it with no local board input--except to pay for the OSD schools. (This happened in New Orleans, Los Angeles, and Detroit.)

More than ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SCHOOLS in Georgia are eligible for OSD.  

OSD will provide no new resources to help struggling students and schools. Nothing in this proposed amendment addresses improvements in education.  Years of "teaching to the tests" have negatively impacted teachers ability to effectively TEACH students.  Ask your friends who are teachers about their ideas for improving the education process--trust the people you elect to guide the process.  Trust those you know to be great teachers to inform the process, not an unknown quantity, appointed by the Governor (now and in the future). 

YES, some schools have been chronically failing but the path to fixing those failings is NOT to take control and resources from local BOEs.  By not addressing the socioeconomic issues that many failing school districts face, we are not getting to the root of the problem. Our state needs some new and innovate thought processes to address these issues, including the impact of poverty on kids.  What can impact a child's ability to do well in school?  Having enough food to eat, having proper medical care, having the educational resources they need to succeed (access to libraries, school supplies, Internet, etc.), and having positive role models and mentors to guide them.  

The amendment is worded in such a way that a voter who has little knowledge of the background may be misled into thinking the amendment is a positive idea.  Do not be fooled by the flowery language:  "Shall the Constitution of Georgia be amended to allow the state to intervene in chronically failing public schools in order to improve student performance?"

 

Vote NO on SR287 (Opportunity School District)!! 

 

Resources: 

http://www.southerneducation.org/Publications/OSD-Eligible-Schools-Updated-05032016.aspx

http://ga.aft.org/

Does Suicide Mean Eternal Damnation?

Do you go to hell if you commit suicide? 

I’ve asked that question of many people, Christians and non-believers alike.  As you can imagine, I’ve gotten different answers.  Surprisingly, I’ve been told by more than one Christian that suicide is not an automatic “go straight to hell” stamp.  Some believe that if a depressed or otherwise mentally ill person commits suicide, the person is not condemned to hell simply because of that act.  I’ve been told that, if you have accepted Jesus into your heart as your Savior and if you believe in your salvation, that is all it takes to “get into” heaven.  I’ve heard that Jesus died for ALL our sins and that, if you interpret suicide to be a sin (thou shalt not kill) then it is forgiven if you are saved.  Of course I’ve heard that you do indeed burn for eternity if you commit suicide.  It’s a violation of the commandment and it’s contrary to taking care of your “temple.”  It’s an unforgivable sin and it’s a ticket straight to hell if you take your own life.

I’ve done a bit of research on it and I haven’t come up with a definitive answer. First and foremost, I have a lot of trouble with a loving God sending one of His children to hell to suffer eternally for simply endeavoring to END suffering (assuming depression or sickness).  I've made the comment to a few people that it seems supremely unfair to be depressed (or sick) and suffering in life and to have no "out."  It seems that if you suffer through hell on earth, you ought to get some credit for that, especially in the circumstance where you've been struggling for years. In my case, I've been mired in a sticky swamp of depression for almost all of my life.  I don't know what it's like to be "normal" or "happy."  I've had seriously suicidal moments in my life.  The one time I made a half-hearted attempt, I had a sense of peace about it.  I felt as if surely God would understand that I was suffering and that all I wanted was eternal peace.  Of course, it wasn't a successful attempt and now, after time has passed, I'm not so sure of that peace.  It seems a huge gamble to take when you just don't know.  

In my reading, this answer struck me as pretty sensical:

"Q:  Is it true that if you’re a born-again Christian and you commit suicide, you won’t go to hell because God has already given you salvation?

A:  Life is lived at three levels: the spirit, the soul, and the body. Understand that when we accept Jesus, it is our spirit that is actually born again. Jesus gives us a brand-new spirit. He doesn’t give us a brand-new soul or body. We need to change our thinking by believing the Scriptures and adapting our thinking to line up with the Bible.

The Bible talks about the renewing of your mind in Romans 12. This is where depression and suicidal thoughts enter in, through the mind and the emotions. If your spirit is born again, according to John 3 and Ezekiel 36, it is your spirit that will spend eternity with God. You cannot damage your spirit by committing sin; you cannot damage your spirit by committing suicide. Because depression and suicidal thoughts come from the soul realm, if someone does commit suicide and Jesus Christ is that person’s true Savior, then I believe he or she will go to heaven. It’s also my belief that if someone is truly saved and truly born again, that person is not going to want to commit suicide. If you are born again and you still have suicidal thoughts, then you need to go to the Bible and hope that God can change you. That’s the most important thing of all."
(http://changinglives.org/tabid/2623/Default.aspx?cat=Suicide) 

Here are a few other links with (mostly) contrary opinions. I'd be interested in hearing feedback from others, whichever you believe.  But no chastising, please.  No bullying or browbeating.  Just opinions, please. 

http://www.clarifyingchristianity.com/suicide.shtml

https://bible.org/question/if-christian-commits-suicide-will-they-go-heaven

http://www.godandscience.org/doctrine/christians_who_kill_themselves.html

Can You Choose The Story You Tell?

“What do we get to keep from something that already happened?”

Most of you have “heard” my stories about being bullied, being overweight, struggling with social anxiety and depression, etc.  As you can imagine, I spend a lot of time pondering just why I am still depressed…why I still let the past own my future. I tend to filter all things that happen to me through the eyes of that 8^th grade girl who had a tack put in her seat by a few classmates who thought it would be funny to see the fat girl jump and scream.  In other words, every bad (or even mediocre) thing that happens, I tend to think, “Well, that’s just my life.  It’s how things go for me.” 

Of late, however, I’ve been trying to “reframe” how I look at things.  I’m not that shy, fat, scared little girl any more.  These days, I’ve got all the things in the world going for me: I’m a 45 year old woman;  I have a great kid and I’m pretty proud of her;  I have a husband who loves me;  I’ve got a job that I love (most days);  and I’ve got the best set of friends anybody could possibly ask for.  So, why can’t I look at life TODAY with the eyes of that grown woman, instead of the sad eyes of that little girl?  

I’ll tell you why:  because we all filter our everyday occurrences through our past experiences.  It makes perfect sense—it’s classic behavior mod.  We learn positive behaviors from our past (either from positive reinforcement or punishment).  We train ourselves to behave certain ways based upon how others react to us and that’s mostly good, I think.  In some cases, however, past experiences become an albatross  around our necks and we end up reacting to current life events in negative ways, not because they are horrible events but because of how our PAST has shaped us.  I “learned” early on that as a fat, poor, shy kid that I was not as “good” as the other kids.  These days, I still find myself feeling that way in many situations.  It’s an old script and I’ve kept it way too long. 

A good friend sent this video to me several days ago and I’ve been thinking a lot about it.  Of course, my knee-jerk reaction to it is to roll my eyes.  I can rewrite the past by reframing it?  Seriously?  <massive eye roll>  But I listened closely, not with my rational ears, but with my spiritual ears.   Can we change our past experiences simply by CHOOSING the story we tell?  Can reframing or recontextualizing the thoughts and events of the past actually change the physiological reactions we have?  It makes sense, in a hippy dippy, drug-trippy sort of way.  I know that if I think back to particularly embarrassing experiences from my past that I can, quite literally, feel that blushy feeling, that drop of the stomach.   It is a real, physiological reaction.  Those things are in the past—there is no current stimulus for a blush and a sick feeling in the stomach, for current embarrassment in response to an old event.  But I can still call up that response.  I kept those memories and they shaped me and became real and they remain real today, years later.  What if we could learn to reshape those memories and shift them and view them in a more positive light?  

It’s a pretty fantastical idea.  I’m not sure that I buy into it.  I do think that we can definitely reframe the way we perceive current events by looking at them through positive eyes rather than negative.  Saturday night was a very stressful night for me.  I felt, for the first time in many years, like that awkward, shy, unpopular girl who sat alone at lunch and at recess so many times.  I wasn’t physically alone.  I had a couple of really good friends on either side of me, keeping me grounded.  But in my mind, I was alone and afraid.  I clearly felt the feelings that I felt so long ago.  Every time I would slip into that “old script” I would redirect my thoughts—I’m not that girl.  I’m a grown woman with so many positives and I don’t need to live my life through that old, cloudy lens.   I’m happy to say that I made it through the night and feel much stronger and more empowered not in spite of those challenges but BECAUSE of them.  

It’s food for thought.  Watch the video with an open mind.  See what you think.   Jason Silva says, "You can choose the story you tell, my friends.  You can choose the story you tell."  I think maybe he's on to something.